Effects of protein shakes.

Yes, protein shakes really do make your muscles bigger, even if you don't want bigger muscles. And they might make your elbows swollen too, and then you'll mistake that for elbow fat and have a MASSIVE panic attack because you can't feel any elbow bone any more. But since the elbows were just swollen, they will go down in two days and you will be fine after all.

When you are angry, listen to your boyfriend who is not in a bad mood because he is probably thinking more rationally than you are and it will save you two hours worth of driving time if you do.

Never say "oh, I'll exercise after I watch this movie late at night," because it won't happen.

Processed cheese from Arby's bacon cheddar melt tastes eerily similar to when you throw up in your mouth.

Why are there couches in the bathroom?

Being shy in the bathroom is only hurting yourself. Here's the story:

I was on campus after I ate lunch. I had to go to the bathroom fairly urgently, so went to the nearest one. I knew that I was going to be making some noise while on the toilet, so as soon as I opened the door and noticed it was completely silent, I was so excited! I had the bathroom to myself! Then I took one more step and my heart dropped. There was a girl in there, sitting on the couch on her laptop. REALLY?!! I have to go to do my business on the toilet knowing that she is ten feet away listening? I couldn't do it. I went in my stall, went pee a little, then left without actually doing the business I had come there for. Then I raced home as fast as I could to finish what I had started.

Moral of the story? I will never see her again and I should have just done the deed while I was there.

Long lost blog.

If you have a blog based on all your mess ups in life, write the mess ups down as they happen. Otherwise you will forget, and not post anything new for a few months.

Tbs stands for tablespoon, and tsp stands for teaspoon. The cookie recipe probably called for two teaspoons of vanilla, not Tbs. When you put in way too much vanilla and realize the mistake, its okay, because you can spoon out some of the extra, but your cookies will be EXTRA flavorful.

Make sure none of the other roommates are home before you start kissing your boyfriend in the front room. Getting walked in on for the second time is just as embarrassing as the first.

Don't let your boyfriend read your journal from a few years ago. He will realize just how boy crazy you really were.

Power steering... you don't know what you have until it's gone.

Parallel parking can cause you to break a sweat. Just do it in 90 degree weather without any power steering into a tight space. Turning the steering wheel was so hard I'll probably be sore tomorrow.

You know that group meeting that was supposed to be quick and last "less than an hour"? Don't believe your group members. It will definitely last closer to three hours and you won't leave the library until after eleven at night.

If you get grossed out by under-cooked foods, made sure the no bake cookies that you are really looking forward to get heated all the way so they don't end up gooey.

Just because your boyfriend doesn't answer his phone for a few hours doesn't mean he got in a brutal car accident and is dead. You can let your imagination rest because  his phone just ran out of battery.

Not supportive at all.

Putting on a sports bra backwards is not effective.

You know that toenail that is still  black? Don't try covering it with bright nail polish. It just turns a dingy, dark, gross, tinted color. And then you'll put on five layers to try to cover it up. But then you'll put on shoes too soon and it will get smudged all over the inside of your shoe because it still wasn't dry.

Blogs are not quite as exciting when your camera is broken.

Don't set up a budget to save money. As soon as you do, a thousand fun, costly things will come up that you can't go to because it is not in your budget. 

Emergency brake error.

If you are leaving the parking lot right after getting your windshield replaced, check to see if your parking brake is on. Just because your car isn't moving doesn't mean it's broken. And then it will be embarrassing when you go inside to complain that the repair guys broke your car and the receptionist tells you the parking brake is on.

Never ask a simple, quick question about a credit card at your bank. They will keep you there for half an hour explaining the details very thoroughly.

Don't over-stuff your pantry and fridge. You will knock your spaghetti off the shelf and it will spill all over the floor, then you'll be frustrated from cleaning it up. Then, less than five minutes later, your jar of jelly will get knocked out of the fridge and painfully land on your foot before it shatters on the ground.

Don't read analog watches when you're tired . . . you'll read them wrong.

Make sure to press the "on" button when setting your alarm to wake up. Otherwise you will wake up, glance at your watch, and rush to work because you are late. Then you'll look at your watch again once you are driving to work and realize that you are about to arrive an hour early to work.

If there is a yellow sign posted in front of the bathroom, read it. You might assume it says "caution" when it actually says "closed". When you walk towards the bathroom to go in it the custodian standing close by will tell you that it's closed. Then as you walk away they will talk to their co-worker joking about how nobody can miss the "closed" sign.

If you decide to wear a sweatshirt with no bra to class, make sure the classroom is going to stay cold. Otherwise you will get hot and won't be able to take the sweatshirt off.

Don't jump up the stairs in the dark. 

Photography is not my forte, clearly.

If you are watching Jason and Dana run a half marathon and at the finish line it is up to you or Nat to take pictures, let her take them so you don't end up with pictures like this:

And this...

But when you finally give it to Natalie you'll get a good one like this.

Look at the the cartoon picture on the door before you walk into the bathroom at the library. Girls have a dress. And yes, you did just walk into the men's bathroom.

Don't lay out by your pool when you have 100 pages left in your book. Even though you didn't want to stay out there very long, you will want to finish the book so badly that you will forget you didn't put on sunscreen and end up getting a really bad sunburn.

Never going back to that museum again...

If you happen to go to an art museum on campus with your boyfriend when nobody is around, don't start kissing him. And if you do, you should probably listen when he pulls away because he thought he heard something, otherwise you will be interrupted by the employee who works there telling you the museum is closing soon. And you guys will get out of there as fast as you can without looking back.

Scandal!

Take a quick glance in the mirror before you leave your house. Walking around all day only to get home and notice that your shorts were inside out the whole time is not a pleasant surprise.

That pizza on the table? No, it's not free game for anyone to eat. Even if your new roommates mom mentioned that she was going to get some pizza for everyone, you should probably double check that she actually did before you eat your other roommates food.

If you are driving on a deserted street you should still look around before you start picking your nose. There might be some runners coming towards you with a clear view of what you just did.

Panic attack in class.

Don't use nicknames for contacts in your phone. Then when you forget your phone at someone's house you'll think you lost it and some stranger will look through recent messages to see that you put the contact "pillow. sex." in AS A JOKE and you will have a mini panic attack. In class, too.

Stef is the only one who calls you the nickname "Man" (short for Amanda). So when you are walking to class and you hear someone say "hey man" you should not respond in any way. They were talking to the guy walking towards them, not to you.

Go to the bathroom before you pick someone up from the airport. Otherwise when you get home both bathroom/showers will be in use for another ten minutes and you'll really have to pee.

When one of your students is talking about her first son, don't assume he has already been born. She's seven months pregnant. 

Don't let this happen to you.

If you are on an intramural soccer team, don't wear Stef's old cleats. They will be too small for you. Your will jam your toe into the end of the cleat, and it hurts.

If your toe is hurt from a soccer game don't go snowboarding that day. It will just make it worse.

If you have blood pooled under your toe you should immediately drain it or else when you try later that night it will already be congealed so you'll have a hole in your toenail and it will still hurt.

Taken a few weeks after it happened, so the blood looks black. Notice the hole in the center.

When you heat up a metal paper clip to stab through your toenail to drain the blood out you should probably do it instead of your roommate. She'll go too far and burn your skin underneath.

If you do hurt your toe badly, do it when its hot outside. Wearing flip flops while its snowing is not as fun as it sounds.

Isn't life grand?

Sometimes doors have a straight bar across instead of a doorknob so you can't tell which side they should be opened from. Your thought process might go a little like this:
     "I'm going to push on the right side of this door to open it.
     That wasn't right, maybe I need to pull it instead of push.
     Definitely not. Maybe it's locked.
     I guess I'll try pushing again.
     Its BARELY moving and I have to push really hard.
     Oh. It opens from the left side..."
Meanwhile people are lining up behind you wondering why you can't open the door.

When buying tissue paper, look carefully at the label. Containers of little plastic bags have the same shape as containers for tissue paper. You probably won't realize this until you are parked in front of the house and try wrapping your gift. But don't worry, if you scrunch of the red plastic bags and shove them in the basket you can pull it off.

Toothpaste in your eye is not pleasant. How would that ever happen, you ask? I don't even know, but it can.

That's embarrassing.

If you are in a friend's apartment with a bunch of girls and everyone leaves, you should leave with them. Otherwise when you leave a few moments later and try to open the door, it won't open. You might think someone is on the outside holding it closed as a joke, so you'll bang on it. Then you'll realize they just locked it on their way out not knowing you were still in there. And they all heard you bang on the door and shout out.

Another reason to live close to campus: you can wake up at 9:06 and be in class by 9:15.

You should probably wipe the dust off the waffle iron box before you re-gift it to someone.

Sometimes you need to bear a hat or beanie to cover up the fact that you didn't shower. But when you do it three days in a row I think people start to notice.

Germs build my immune system, right?

That water bottle on the table in the math lab? Its not yours. When you find your own water bottle in your purse pretend you didn't because you've been drinking out of the other one for ten minutes.

If you write on your tongue with a pen there's really no need to keep it out of your mouth and dry to make sure the ink stays on. The ink will stay for half an hour with your tongue in your mouth. The drooling because of sticking your tongue out was not necessary.

Don't moon your roommate too often. Eventually she'll start doing it back.

When its more than halfway through the semester and you are running really late for class trust your instincts on which class to go to. Don't freak out when you walk into the same classroom you have all semester and there is a different professor teaching. You don't need to check the room number or check the time to see if you are an hour off, you just didn't hear your professor last time say that he would be having a substitute next time.

I wish I hadn't heard that.

Don't let the subject of waxing come up around strangers. You will learn way more about that random girl in the math lab than you ever wanted to know.

When someone asks "Do you have...?" and you don't hear the rest of the question, don't take a 50/50 guess and just say no. Someone will call you out. Yes, you do have a car.

Don't ask a classmate who's in the TA lab for help on a homework problem. You will act like you know what they're talking about when really you don't, then you'll feel awkward asking the TA the exact same question, so you will have to pretend to do work for half an hour until they leave and you can ask the TA.

When you find a clump of three eyelashes on your shirt MAKE A WISH!! Don't totally forget in the midst of your excitement. Then don't start freaking out that you are losing so many eyelashes.

Brrr it's cold in here.

Shower on Saturday night instead of Sunday morning other wise you will be taking a cold shower because the rest of your apartment complex is showering on Sunday in preparation for church.

Using your alarm as a phone is great, but if it's on silent you won't wake up for your 8am class.

When you say hi to someone look carefully at their face. You might have thought you said hello to Taylor when really it was his brother Chase.

If you get ready in a hurry something is bound to  be wrong with your outfit, so look in a mirror before you go all day with your pants tucked into your sock. 

Apparently nature books aren't my thing.

Having the prompt "Write about your favorite portion of this book" for a book that you really hated reading is not fun. But if you write about how your favorite part was when the author sounded the most idiotic you can still get an A.

Live as close to campus as possible. You'll thank yourself on those days when you just leave to go home and  get lunch and then have the sudden realization that you need a bathroom. Now.

When you see a black friend of yours commented on "Elder Stanley Granville's" album about preaching the gospel, don't get all excited hoping to see some cool mission pictures of a 19-21 year old kid. The "Elder" is not Mormon. Or younger than 40. He is enthusiastically preaching to a Baptist congregation though.

If BYU has a home basketball game and you have a really important class review to go to at the same time, don't plan on finding any parking. You will drive around for ten minutes looking only to park back at your apartment and walk. 

Douche.

 If you go to a subway near your apartment and notice that the guy making your sandwich has a hickey, don't go home and tell your roommate. She'll ask a few questions about what he looks like then she'll tell you that's her ex-boyfriend and they broke up less than a week ago.

Getting an entire public bathroom to yourself is awesome. Thinking you are all alone and then finding out there was someone else in there the whole time is not.

Jumping across a gutter onto an icy sidewalk will get you a gnarly bruise on your knee.

Don't put a plastic measuring cup on a stove that was recently turned off. It will melt the handle off. And it will be your roommates measuring cup. And you will hope she doesn't notice.

Useless TA

Just because she's your TA doesn't mean she knows anything about Biology.

Laughing at a student who says "palabra" instead of "parabola" is not okay. But if you can quickly disguise it as a cough then nobody will know...

If you have a really long night class you'll fall asleep every time. And one time you'll snore. The roommate sitting right next to you won't wake you up or tell you until after the class is let out.

Don't spent five minutes trying to find your name on the list of homework scores for your class only to realize it's not your section's scores. Just check the section number first.

Drive by.

When you drive by a house and happen to peer into the window don't immediately freak out when you see a hooded figure. Someone is just wearing a sweatshirt with their hood up. And you are the one being creepy, not them.

Being ticklish is not a good trait.

If you are an engineering major don't forget to bring your engineering paper to school. You won't be able to do any homework without it.

If you are scrounging around your cupboards for food because you have just about ran out don't try mustard on bread. It tastes about as bad as it sounds.

Misheard

"Conned him" sounds a lot like "condom".

If its really cold outside it is possible to freeze the tip of your finger in a twenty second walk to your car.

Can you guess which finger?

Make sure to avoid going to the TA lab when that one blonde kid is there. He'll need the TA to help him with ONE homework problem for OVER AN HOUR.

Bring headphones to work so that when you aren't busy you don't have to hear the receptionist repeat a story twenty times about giving injections.

Told you so?

If you are the passenger in a car and the driver asks if he is going to hit a pole when you say yes he will be stubborn and keep going forward anyways. He'll hit the car and the gangster guy walking past is going to bust up laughing.

Wearing your hair down, walking in lots of wind, and being able to see where you are walking. Not all three of these things can happen at once. 

Don't walk underneath the overhang of a building. Somehow an icy cold drop will land just right so it goes down your back even though you are wearing a sweatshirt.

Don't peel your hard boiled egg over a trash can with nastiness in it. Right when you finish peeling it will slip out of your hands.

Closing my eyes.

Shiny floors are great. Shiny floors in the bathroom are not. We don't want to see the reflection of the person in the stall next to us on the floor.

If you have been writing on a white board for two hours don't touch your face. All that marker dust on your fingers will get all over you.

If you have two strong co-workers with strong opinions beware of them working at the same time. They might have full on argument that will make you feel extremely awkward. Natalie will try to intercept with a neutral comment and they'll ignore her. It'll be super funny and you'll wish you had popcorn for the whole fiasco.

If the seats in your classroom are really close to each other watch where you swing your backpack. You might accidently hit the girl in front of you in the head with yours.

Snow lungs.

Don't take a deep breath when you are walking outside while its snowing. You'll choke on a snowflake. Also, you might get one in your eye.

Even though it hasn't snowed recently and it doesn't look like it is going to, listen to your roommate when she tells you that its supposed to snow today.

If you have shelf above your toilet be very careful not to set anything on the edge of the shelf. It could fall off into the open toilet bowl.

Laptop in the back.

If you see that there is an open seat in front of someone with a laptop, don't take it. That  laptop will hit your back the entire class and not let you sit up straight in case you bother the person behind you by moving their screen.

If you watch a retarded foreign film at Halloween that involves people going crazy once they see this swirly symbol be careful because you might see that swirly everywhere now.

If you raise your hand in class and make a comment about one of the slides that might result in you being the first person in the class to get candy for making a comment. 

No points.

When you take a biology quiz and have no idea what the answer to one of the questions is saying you weren't there for that lecture and then making up your own answer won't get you any points. Even if that answer was really good.

Sometimes roommates think that when you're sleeping it's less distracting to answer their phone and have a conversation than to simply leave the room.

The day that you look like an absolute bum at school will be the day you see more people on campus than the rest of the semester combined.

Don't do homework at your cluttered desk. You will end up losing three pens in less than five minutes.

Flirtation fail.

All of my stories are about things I have done that were epic failures, but today I'm writing about someone else. Today I witnessed a guy's plans go up in flames and it went a little like this:

So this morning I was lazily sitting in chemistry trying not to fall asleep. Nothing was going on around me and the teachers voice was droning on like I've never heard  droning before. As I casually glanced up from my notes I noticed the couple in front of me. The guy was writing on the girl's paper. I thought this was weird because they could have easily just talked to each other without anyone noticing, but whatever. Then I saw that the girl was responding to him by writing on his paper, so I got a little intrigued. Assuming they were married or something I wanted to sneak a peak at what they were writing. I couldn't see what she was writing, but I could see his. Apparently they weren't married, because these are the things he wrote:

"What's you're name?"

(I don't know what happened between this comment and the next comment, but I'm pretty sure she dropped her pen and maybe asked to use his, or something along those lines)

"You better not steal my pen.

Do you have a bf?

Darn!

Now I'm not paying attention to a thing.

No problem :)"

Ouch! That's gotta hurt. And even better was the awkwardness between them once class was over and everyone was leaving. They didn't say anything to each other. Oh man, I'd hate to be that guy right now.

Not fun.

Finding out your apartment is out of toilet paper sucks. Finding out five minutes after you noticed you started your period sucks even more.

If its really cold outside and raining, but the defroster on as soon as you  get in your car. Otherwise you will start driving and slowly more and more rain will freeze to your windshield completely blocking your view.

If you have a friend who is absolutely obsessed with boys, don't ask her about them. She could go on for hours.

If you know that management is coming to look at your apartment for cleaning checks be fully dressed. Otherwise you'll have to dress as fast as you can when you that knock at the door and your roommate lets them in.

The girl who tripped.

When the girl walking in front of you trips on a crack in the sidewalk, don't full on laugh out loud. You'll probably make her feel like an idiot. Especially if you are alone and can't pretend that someone just said something hilarious.

You know that little piece of skin inside your mouth that connects your upper lip and your gums? Yeah, you can tear that. And it hurts.

When heating up chocolate chips to melt them, take them off the heat the second you see that they have the right consistency. Two extra stirs and the chocolate will get clumpy because its too hot.

Ear muffs during winter are helpful. Realizing this halfway through winter is not.

Winter woes.

If you have known for a while that you are extremely clumsy, stay away from the ice on the ground at all possible costs. Seriously. Otherwise you will be slipping and sliding and falling all winter long. Even if its only slush on the ground.

Check the temperature its supposed to be before you go night skiing. You might end up dressing for -20 degree weather when really its 10-15 degrees outside.

When making cheesecake be sure you have added all the ingredients before you put the batter in the pan. And also before you put it in the oven. Adding the heavy creme and mixing it into a partially cooked cheesecake might not end so well.

If you are cleaning up your pantry and putting the spaghetti in its place, be sure the container is upright. You don't want spaghetti noodles all over the floor where the cleaning supplies are. Including the toilet brush. (Not lying.) The noodles won't be usable.

Casual meeting.

Don't try to be friendly and meet the person sitting next to you during devotional. You will get asked multiple times if he's your boyfriend. And you won't quite remember what he looks like so when you see him later in the day you'll look at him for a bit, then do a kind of cough mumble hello just in case it wasn't him.

Beware of the third floor of the English building. It smells like tuna.

Just because a girl talking on her cell phone in the hallway has a really pretty accent doesn't mean you need to stare her down.

If you see someone coming towards the elevator that you are in, stop the doors from closing. Otherwise you'll feel like a jerk as you and the other person make solid eye contact while the elevator door slowly shuts them out.

Heart attack scares.

Call your Grandma before you go to her house to pick something up. Yelling out that you are present won't help, and she'll come out grabbing her heart because she was so scared she almost had a heart attack.

Don't forget that when all your siblings are married (except one who couldn't show up) and you have a family dinner, you will probably get left out. But hey, at least you get the choice to sit at the 2-4 yr old table or the elderly table.

When shopping for stockings on Christmas Eve every store will be sold out. You'll have to get Santa hats instead.

When you get home from Christmas break before the rest of your roommates, don't forget about that one that is from Belarus and never went home. You'll awkwardly walk in on her in a bath robe.